No Longer a Nursing Mama
Posted by happygrl6
This isn’t the way it was supposed to end. 
Originally, I had set my goal to be done or, at least, down to one nursing a day by the end of the year. And I planned to be totally finished come March. (Various health reasons.) We were on track w/that, mainly due to a change in the taste of my milk and some supply issues. Four days ago, we nursed fine at nap. Bedtime rolls around and I have *no* milk. E was trying hard to get a letdown & I was in pain. So I pulled her off. And we both cried. I let her try again a couple more times but there just wasn’t any milk. I’ve tried several things to up my supply but nothing is working.
We have both shed many, many tears over it. Out of sadness. Out of frustration for sleep. Out of frustration that my body has let us down. Mostly out of sadness though. Nursing my babe has been such an important part of our lives. All told, we spent probably 1/4 of her first year. Those sessions forced me to slow down, forget about the house, forget about my husband’s location in a war zone, forget about my family being 2300 miles away and focus solely on the little babe who needed me. During the second year, her nursings gave us time to just sit & connect amongst the very active days of a toddler. As on-the-go as she was, there was always time for nursing. And that year had me doing something I never thought I would–nursing inantimate objects. I’ve nursed all her babies, books, characters IN books, Legos, trains, cars, crayons…anything she loved so much that she wanted it to experience her first love!!
So many tears have been comforted by a nursing session, both her’s & mine. I know we’ll figure out other ways to soothe the sadness of life but, in the meantime, its been pretty tough.
I barely remember the first time she nursed. I wasn’t yet fully awake after my c-section (I had to be completly under since it was an emergency one & I hadn’t had any pain meds). As I opened my eyes for the first time, I saw my doula sitting beside me on my bed and Jim was cleaning E. I watched him swaddle her and then place her safely in her mama’s arms. After a few minutes of staring at her (and going in & out of sleep! LOL), Kristine (my doula), unsnapped my hospital gown and helped E get latched on. It was such an odd sensation but one that felt oh-so-right. I went back to sleep while she finished nursing. And now her last time. I barely remember that as well, something I now regret. I was busy thinking about what I wanted to accomplish while she napped. But I remember us being curled up together on her bed, snuggled tight, a blanket draped over us.
Two nights ago we were laying in bed and she turned my head so I was looking down at my breasts. And then said ‘ry n’ (try one [time]) with the most pathetic, sad voice. I had to tell her no because it is so painful for her to even try. She clung to me and we both just cried & cried.
I had some frozen BM that I thawed for her but she wants nothing to do with it.
DH was talking to her about it and, from what he gathered, she thought she wouldn’t get to sit on my lap & cuddle anymore if she wasn’t nursing. We both reassured her that we’d still cuddle plenty.
I had come to terms with *me* being the one to cut it off, if she hadn’t weaned herself by then. I knew I would feel sadness over that part of our relationship no longer existing but I was okay with that. But now I feel like my body has let me down, us down. And that has caused me tremendous sadness. Having to tell her that mama’s milk went bye-bye breaks my heart every time.
Beds, Blogs, Books, Boxes
Posted by happygrl6
Say THAT three times fast. 
Anyone have any idea why my stupid blog won’t keep its theme?? It keeps defaulting back to the default one. Ditto with our family blog. Very annoying! It started when I put up the fall templates a couple months ago. As far as I know, I didn’t change any settings at that time.
I’m not usually a fan of fiction but I’ve read two books by Cassandra King over the holiday that were so enjoyable. Nothing deep but they held my attention. Same Sweet Girls and The Sunday Wife. I want to read Making Waves but I have to go to another branch to get it. And its cool to read stories that take place near where I live!
Things are starting to come together around the house. Unpacking is 95% done but some of those things are sitting around waiting for a home. Its all driving me nuts. After living with so little for so long, I got used to having a house that could be picked up entirely in under 30 minutes and that was when it looked BAD. Our apartment is finally looking like a home though, which I love. We need to hang more pictures this weekend. That will get them up off the floor and make it look homier. And I need to straighten the bookcases in the living room so I can finish unpacking one more box of books. I also want to finish the bedroom this weekend. Once I get those things done, I’ll feel even better.
We came back from IN with colds. DH is over his but I’m not yet (not sleeping well). Thankfully, E seems to have avoided the worst of it this time.
We got E moved into a twin bed today. She looks so tiny in it!!! We don’t have a headboard or a comforter set yet. My first goal is a comforter. I found two that I love. They are similar in design, just different in colors. This one I like but this one I love. They are simple in style, not too juvenile but still cute & girly. (They have a couple more boyish ones I love too.) Perfect, eh? But check out the price—$1100 for a duvet, bed skirt, sham & bolster pillow. I choked when I saw the price!! We paid less than $100 for *our* comforter, no way I’m paying more than 10x that for DD’s! Shipping IS free though. LOL
Indiana is COLD!!
Posted by happygrl6
Wahooo!!! We had record highs in Georgia this week, so I am thrilled with IN being cold! I’d like 23 inches of snow like we got in 2004 but that isn’t likely to happen.
Our drive here was incredible. I think something came in & possessed my child–she sat for SIX HOURS (slept 1.5 of that) before needing to get out of the car. Wasn’t watching a movie. I wasn’t back there with her. I wasn’t interacting with her anymore than I do when I’m driving that trip alone. She wasn’t reading. She played with very few toys. Mostly she just sat back there talking and, briefly, playing with her babies. I’m lucky if I can drive two hours w/o needing to stop. I have NO idea what got into her but it did make the drive go by SO quickly!! We stopped for lunch and then we were in IN by mid-afternoon (we expected to arrive closer to bedtime!).
Thursday evening we went out to my mom’s for a little while. Yesterday morning we left E with Jim’s parents so we could finish up Christmas shopping & go to lunch. Its a fun treat to eat w/o having to tend to a little one. Then we went up to my dad’s last night. My sister & niece came down, also. The girls had a grand time playing together & with their grandpa. They ran many, many laps around the house looking for the cat (no luck!). I think my dad was going to beat the girls to bed last night–he looked exhausted!!
This afternoon we’re going to my mom’s house & then out to my aunt’s for Christmas w/my grandpa. Tomorrow we have Christmas w/my mom in the afternoon & Christmas with my grandma in the evening. Monday is Christmas w/the in-laws in the morning & with my dad in the afternoon. Tuesday we’re heading home.
That’s everything!
Posted by happygrl6
All of our goods are now in our possession! The last of our goods were delivered on Monday. Most of our boxes are now unpacked. Upon entereing our house, I still am often shocked at seeing a house full of furniture.
We had a nice weekend! Kim came up Friday and stayed until Sunday. Jim was off Friday evening and then had to go back to school to sleep and came home Saturday morning. Saturday afternoon Jim & I went to a movie! We saw the Pursuit of Happiness, which we both enjoyed. Even moreso, we enjoyed just getting out on a date.
We leave for Indiana tomorrow and we’re staying until the 26th. We’re looking forward to being home for Christmas this year.
grumble, grumble
Posted by happygrl6
Boxes are like rabbits. They multiply & multiply & multiply. For every box I unpack, I swear five move reappear in that same location in the time it takes me to walk to my doorway, break the box down and stack it. Each room is *mostly* unpacked. But several of the remaining boxes are full of random things that are going to really force me to think about where to put it, do I really want it, etc. Ugh. I love unpacking the boxes that are easy to do like clothes & dishes. Plus, I’m feeling a bit annoyed that we didn’t look harder for a 3-bedroom. I’d really like to have that third bedroom for an office, someplace to do crafts & for a little extra in-house storage (v. our storage closet off the patio). If I had a 3rd bedroom, I think I could get the rest of the boxes out of the living room. Most of the downstairs is put back together but since I still have many boxes sitting around, it doesn’t *look* settled. And I can’t really relax b/c the boxes are always in my sight.
On the up side, I’m doing REALLY well getting rid of stuff! After eight months of living with very little, I’m able to look at things with a more objective eye. I have gotten rid of more than 160 pounds of stuff already!! I need to find my notes from our April non-move so I can see how much stuff we got rid of then. And that wouldn’t include the massive amount of stuff we purged in the last moments before the packers came. I’m really proud of us for being able to let go since that isn’t in our nature.
And in the midst of unpacking, Elizabeth has come down with yet another cold. And my body is having a tug-of-war trying to decide if it’ll get sick or not. How many more days until Saturday??! Jim has been in the field for two weeks, so I haven’t had him to help me destress on the phone each night. But Saturday he is home for more than TWO WEEKS!! Yahooo!