Baby things *sensitive*
This entry may be sensitive to some people, so please back out now if baby and/or death is sensitive to you. (No, I haven’t lost the pregnancy or anything like that…)
Heading out of town tomorrow. Some news to report when I get back, so stay tuned. 
I’ve had some e-mails asking how the pregnancy is going and inquiring why I haven’t talked much about it. I wish I had some clear answers. So here’s my answer entry complete with ramblings.
As I talked about in previous entries, I was really sick early on. I’m still throwing up a couple times a week which is a huge improvement. But focusing so much on keeping more than just 200-300 calories a day in my body plus doing what I could to mother my daughter, be a wife to my husband and homemaker left me little else to focus on the new life that was growing in me. Even now, I feel like I don’t have much energy to focus on this life. And, in some convoluted, sick way, I sometimes feel resentful of the babe because I have been so sick. Not just how it has made me feel but the repercussions of that to others. And then I feel sick for even thinking that way.
I have no belly. I don’t look pregnant. Best I could say is that I look heavier. Here’s a picture from a few weeks ago. And I look no different now at 28w4d. For comparison, here I was at 28 weeks with Elizabeth. A)Its just weird to me that I can still wear regular clothes (I was in the first picture). B)I didn’t realize how much bonding really happened when I had a tummy to rub.
I have very little movement. Very little. I didn’t get anything until about 23 weeks. On a “busy” day, I get about a dozen movements. Combined with the lack of a belly, its easy to forget that I’m pregnant. I miss the baby movements. It was about this time that Elizabeth started pushing out her backside rhythmically as she was going to sleep and then while she was asleep. It’d crack me up. I could put my hand on it and feel her almost “snuggling” in. I can’t even feel this babe usually. If I poke around long enough and hard enough, I can sometimes find his head.
When I went for the ultrasounds, I felt so disconnected that it didn’t even seem like I was looking at *my* baby on the screen. It could have been some total stranger’s baby and I would have felt just as connected. And that makes me feel like such a terrible mother. How can I NOT have felt connected as I caught the first glimpses of him??
I have a blockade around the birth. I fear that something will go wrong and we’ll end up in another tense situation. This is something I’m working to overcome. I really need to write out my complete birth story with E, something I’ve never done. Coming to terms with that, I think, will help me face this impending birth.
And for the big sensitive part…Hours after I took the pregnancy test, I had a feeling come over me that I would never meet this baby alive. It was a very vivid feeling but I also had a sense of peace about it. It didn’t send me into panics. It was almost like I immediately “came to terms” with it yet I never worked through those feelings. But that was what the feeling of peace felt like. I assumed I would miscarry early on. And when that didn’t happen, I still believed that I would lose the pregnancy early. And I still don’t feel confident. But now my fear is…maybe it isn’t the baby that is going to die but its me. And then that cycles back to the feeling of resentment b/c I can’t leave my E and Jim without me. I think I have kept myself somewhat disconnected because of this feeling I’ve had all along. Why love someone who won’t be in my actual life?
I fear that I’ll never really love this babe. Not in I-couldn’t-love-another-like-my-first or I-don’t-have-enough-love-for-two ways. Just that I am mostly void of any feelings and/or connections. I’ve heard so many people say “wait until you hold the baby and THEN you’ll feel the love”. But I am not so sure. I was reading a blog entry by a lady on a board I visit. She was saying how she didn’t “fall in love” with two of her children in the womb or even at birth and it took a couple years for those feelings to really develop. And I know others have said the same. And even thinking that makes me feel like a terrible mother. How can a mother NOT fall head over heels with their newborn?
And none of that is to say that I wouldn’t be absolutely heartbroken if something DID happen to the baby. The thought of burying my child sends me into panics and tears.
In the end, I know all my feelings are okay to have. They are what they are. And I’m at peace with them. Yet that still doesn’t relieve me of the guilt I feel for not feeling. And so the cycle begins again. LOL
I totally understand how you are feeling, to a point. I was like that with my second pregnancy. Don’t worry, once you are in the third trimester all the feelings you have wondered about showing up will, in spades. *LOL* Your baby is healthy and growing, you feel it moving, that’s a good thing!
Tricia,
I went through this when I was pg with Katie. I was certain that she was not going to be born alive. I “knew” that I was going to have a m/c. Of course I didn’t and she is now a healthy happy 5 year old. Another problem was the Love. I couldn’t imagine how I could love another child and still love Ryan as much as I do. I was afraid that I would resent Katie for taking me away from Ryan once she was born. In my mind, there was no way possible that I would feel the same way about Katie that I did about Ryan. But I was sooo wrong. I now know that it is possible. I can’t imagine my life without either of my babies, but I can still remember that feeling of almost resenting Katie.
You will get through these feelings. Have you talked to Jim about your fears? You are going to have a happy healthy baby and you are going to be so in love that you won’t even believe it. And just wait until you se E fall in love with the new baby. That’s a whole nother miracle!
Tricia,
I think it’s good that you’re sharing your feelings. Sometimes just saying them out loud (or in type) can help. I won’t send silly, “It will all be okay” thoughts your way, because I know they’re of little consolation now. What I will tell you is that I know you’re a phenomenal person and mom, and that you’ll always do and know what is right because of that.
Jen
Tricia, I’ve known you for quite sometime now and consider you a good friend, and I know how much this must be weighing on you. I am SO glad that you shared your feelings and thoughts with us, maybe in doing that, you will feel a little better. I don’t think that you have anything to feel guilty about honey. Honestly, in some ways I think that what you are experiencing is very normal and I know that it’s very real for you. I wish that I were there to hug you, or to just sit and listen. Know that you are not alone, and that you can always share you feelings with us. I know in my heart that this is all going to work out the way that is supposed to, good or bad. And I know that you are strong enough to handle it however it turns out. My wish for you is only good things, and I hope that months from now you will be writing a totally different type of entry on this subject. But no matter what, you are an awesome person, a wonderful mommy and you hang in there. And always remember, I am here if you need me.
I just thought you might want to know that I’ve been regularly praying for you, Jim, and E. And that about the only thing I can tell you for sure is that this pregnancy will change you. All of you. The other thing I’m pretty confident about is that you’ll find a way to handle it.
i’m sure that you are going to (or have already) hear a lot of “oh i’m sure you’ll feel different when you hold this baby”, but let me tell you something. While i was so sick with N, i threw up every day, lost 56 lbs with her pregnancy.. i prayed that i’d miscarry several times… just so *i’d* feel better. Even up to the end, i just wanted it all over with. Then when she came out, there was no feelings of joy or overwhelming love when i held her. There was just relief that the pregnancy was over and i could move on. i *loved* her because she was my child, but i wasn’t in love with her, like i was with my boys. And then she was such a difficult child, crying all the time until she was 2 1/2, then pms’ing 28 days of the month until she was 10… i can honestly say that it wasn’t until she was 10 that i fell in love with her as my daughter. i know this sounds horrible, i feel/felt like i’m a terrible mother because of it, but it’s how it was. i’m proud to say that she’s turned into a beautiful young woman who is a total delight to be with and i do love her now, with all my heart. So, Tricia, sometimes the feelings of love don’t come right away, the feelings of resentment don’t go away as soon as you hold them. i do know that the love of a mother will always be there, instinct will kick in and in time, you will become head over heals in love with this child. i just hope it doesn’t take 10 years for it to happen like it did me. lol Good luck hon, know that i’m praying for you and the baby.
i wish i had an answer about the feelings of your death over this child… but i don’t. i do think it would be good for you to write about E’s delivery though, that may help some. Even if you just write about it to yourself.
*hugs*
I wish that I knew what to say, Tricia. I hope that everything will go just fine for you. Glad to hear that physically you’re doing a bit better. What a difficult pregnancy this has been for you. What is your due date again? Hope you guys had a nice Halloween last night. What did E dress up as?
Tricia – I don’t know you, (found you thru random blog surfing – Hello!) but I am touched by your honest feelings. I do not have children, but my SIL does, and she has gone through this same thing FIVE times! (she’s got 6 adorable children) I’m praying that things will continue to go well… and that you will have the peace that you need to carry on.