Life’s a Dance

This isn’t the way it was supposed to end.

Originally, I had set my goal to be done or, at least, down to one nursing a day by the end of the year. And I planned to be totally finished come March. (Various health reasons.) We were on track w/that, mainly due to a change in the taste of my milk and some supply issues. Four days ago, we nursed fine at nap. Bedtime rolls around and I have *no* milk. E was trying hard to get a letdown & I was in pain. So I pulled her off. And we both cried. I let her try again a couple more times but there just wasn’t any milk. I’ve tried several things to up my supply but nothing is working.

We have both shed many, many tears over it. Out of sadness. Out of frustration for sleep. Out of frustration that my body has let us down. Mostly out of sadness though. Nursing my babe has been such an important part of our lives. All told, we spent probably 1/4 of her first year. Those sessions forced me to slow down, forget about the house, forget about my husband’s location in a war zone, forget about my family being 2300 miles away and focus solely on the little babe who needed me. During the second year, her nursings gave us time to just sit & connect amongst the very active days of a toddler. As on-the-go as she was, there was always time for nursing. And that year had me doing something I never thought I would–nursing inantimate objects. I’ve nursed all her babies, books, characters IN books, Legos, trains, cars, crayons…anything she loved so much that she wanted it to experience her first love!!

So many tears have been comforted by a nursing session, both her’s & mine. I know we’ll figure out other ways to soothe the sadness of life but, in the meantime, its been pretty tough.

I barely remember the first time she nursed. I wasn’t yet fully awake after my c-section (I had to be completly under since it was an emergency one & I hadn’t had any pain meds). As I opened my eyes for the first time, I saw my doula sitting beside me on my bed and Jim was cleaning E. I watched him swaddle her and then place her safely in her mama’s arms. After a few minutes of staring at her (and going in & out of sleep! LOL), Kristine (my doula), unsnapped my hospital gown and helped E get latched on. It was such an odd sensation but one that felt oh-so-right. I went back to sleep while she finished nursing. And now her last time. I barely remember that as well, something I now regret. I was busy thinking about what I wanted to accomplish while she napped. But I remember us being curled up together on her bed, snuggled tight, a blanket draped over us.
Two nights ago we were laying in bed and she turned my head so I was looking down at my breasts. And then said ‘ry n’ (try one [time]) with the most pathetic, sad voice. I had to tell her no because it is so painful for her to even try. She clung to me and we both just cried & cried.

I had some frozen BM that I thawed for her but she wants nothing to do with it.

DH was talking to her about it and, from what he gathered, she thought she wouldn’t get to sit on my lap & cuddle anymore if she wasn’t nursing. We both reassured her that we’d still cuddle plenty.

I had come to terms with *me* being the one to cut it off, if she hadn’t weaned herself by then. I knew I would feel sadness over that part of our relationship no longer existing but I was okay with that. But now I feel like my body has let me down, us down. And that has caused me tremendous sadness. Having to tell her that mama’s milk went bye-bye breaks my heart every time.